in high school, i wore knee socks with my dresses. nobody else wore them but me. and i didn’t care.

they made me happy.

i was authentically myself. sure, i hid and camouflaged some things about myself to fit in, but i was in high school. fitting in was everything. but even then, i still dressed in a way that made me happy. and did things that made me, me.

i guess i lost sight of that.

when i went away to school, i went in knowing nothing. i had only been to california once, i had no family there, and i knew nobody. not a soul. at age 18, i was socially on my own. it was scary as hell.

i love california, but i will say the people are a hell of a lot different than the loud, honest, real east-coasters i’ve grown up with. and i’m proud to be an east coast girl, i promised myself i wouldn’t let the west-coast lifestyle change me.

but as i fell into the swing of things, i found myself changing little by little to fit in.

i found myself changing into a person that i didn’t even recognize, let alone like. for some unknown reason, i was trying to fit into this mold so i could please others. i stopped reading, writing, and dressing the way i wanted to because i was so influenced by people who didn’t even really care about me. and i really, really thought they did.

then i’d look at them, being the literal shell of a person that i was, and wonder why they still made me feel so alone.

i would go days without eating one week, but eat like trash and stuff myself the next. i found comfort in that: the late-night mcdonald’s plain cheeseburgers that i’d eat in the bathtub or my dorm room. but as soon as that cheeseburger was gone, i’d look around that bathroom with a huge stomachache, hating myself.

and so that began a cycle of binge-eating, hating myself for it, then detoxing.

it was so unhealthy. and i felt so, so alone.

my living situation wasn’t the best second semester. i felt unwelcome and anxious in my own room to the point where i’d sit in the study lounge, staring at a wall until 4 a.m. 

by the time second semester ended, i was mentally and physically exhausted. you could tell just by looking at me. i didn’t feel like myself. hell, i didn’t even look like myself.

summer was fine. i got to see jake and family and best friends. i needed that time away, but i still felt so…off. and i didn’t know why i felt that way.
when i went back to cali, i went back with a big smile, hoping that would give me confidence. and things were fine for a little while. i got to see my friends, go out, hang at the beach, and just live that typical college lifestyle.

however, things started to go south. quickly. so quick, that i couldn’t even tell you why. and that’s when i found myself back into an unhealthy, destructive cycle. i’d hide in the second-floor study lounge, crying until 4 a.m. before going back to my room and crying about how alone and awful i felt. i stopped getting dressed, doing my makeup, writing, doing yoga, going out with my friends, and doing the things i genuinely liked.

so i’d do things that the other people in my life liked. and i would sit there with people who i thought cared about me, with this smile on my face, feeling the most alone i have ever felt.

the binge-eating and sleepless nights were nowhere near as unhealthy as forcing myself to become someone different for the approval of others.
after weeks of crying on the phone to my parents, jake, and best friends, feeling sorry for myself, i decided to take matters into my own hands and move out the day before i left for home.

i have only met one of my roommates. for maybe a half-hour, tops.

i guess that leads to now: the time that i’m actually trying to do things for me. and it’s been so scary.

i’ve always wanted to share my writing, so i made this blog in hopes that my thoughts can entertain others. and i made a whole instagram page showcasing my poetry and art. i was even featured on a few poetry pages, which is so cool.

i also rediscovered my love for fashion, and i’m thinking of starting a youtube channel to talk about style, books, mental health, and documenting my self-discovery.

i’ve reconnected with my friends from home and felt understood and accepted for the first time, in a long time.

i even made amends with someone who once meant a lot to me. i think we’ll get coffee or something when i’m back at school.

but most importantly, i’m starting to feel like me again.

slowly, but surely, im finding my love for life. and my love for myself.

i’m going back to california on tuesday, and i’m so nervous. i’m living with girls i barely know (they seem very sweet and nice) and rushing a sorority for the very first time. my best friend brooke is moving to rome for three months, so my communication with her will be extremely limited. jake is extremely busy with school (because he’s a boy-genius) and our schedules never line up, but i know we’ll talk when we can (i’m so proud of him and his accomplishments, and if less time to talk to me means more success for him, i’m okay with that).

everything is so far out of my comfort zone but, thankfully, i thrive outside of my comfort zone.

i’m so excited for this new chapter.

if you’re reading this, thank you. for the last year of my life, i’ve woken up feeling like the hollow-shell of a person. i’ve felt so alone, so sad, and so lost. just knowing that someone, anyone, is reading this, makes me feel so much more understood. thank you for making me feel less alone.

i’m gonna be okay. i’m nervous, but i’m gonna be okay.

here’s to this new chapter of life. it’s going to be a good one. i know it, trust me.