i haven’t been to my local coffee shop in a few weeks.

not for any particular reason, life has just gotten really busy. between work, the holidays, and my (for the first time in forever) booked social life, i haven’t been able to make the two-block trip to the cozy hole-in-the-wall in southside that makes the best honey oat milk lattes known to mankind.

i decided last night that i would go back. my best friend, brooke, was supposed to come too, but i’m sure she’s carried away with studying. she’s in grad school. she has her finals this week, and i am so proud of her. (update: brooke did show up later on.)

it’s fine though, really. i have no problem going places alone. more often than not, i prefer it. nothing brings me more comfort than taking my book out on a hot date to a restaurant, or a coffee shop, or even the local waterfront park. usually, i bring along a pair of headphones to blast mazzy star while i sip my coffee and get my work (or reading) done. this is for two reasons: for one, i really love mazzy star. and two, i think headphones are the universal “please don’t talk to me” signal. at least, for me.

i wear my headphones when i’m not blasting mazzy star, too. a lot of the time, i wear them and listen to no music at all. this is for the sole purpose of warding people away — to let them know that, if they were even thinking of talking to me, i wouldn’t hear it. i’m busy, please do not speak to me. if i want to talk to you, if i want to connect with you in some way, i’ll be the one to initiate it.

this isn’t because i’m mean. i actually think of myself as (somewhat) of a nice person: my mom raised me to have manners. rather, i am an anxious person. talking to new people does more of a number on my stomach than whole milk. i need to prepare for it.

all of this is to say: my airpods are dead, my headphones are lost, and i am sitting in the middle of a crowded coffee shop feeling more vulnerable than ever. if someone wanted to talk to me, right in this moment, i would have zero excuses to avoid conversation. i would have to face this shit head-on like the inevitable stomach ache, and its aftermath, that comes with a barista using whole milk instead of oat in a latte. all of this vulnerability is turning my anxiety into annoyance.

today, in between writing this and sipping my coffee, i have no choice but to listen to this 70s soft rock/american folk mix and listen to the girl behind me talk way louder than she should in this establishment. i’m annoyed that i forgot my headphones. and while i do love crosby, stills, nash & young, i want to listen to omar opollo.

her friend walked in a little big ago. she’s standing next to her table with a to-go cup and a pastry bag, so i don’t think they were planning on meeting up. the girl who’s sitting keeps referring to people as “muggles” and i have never been more annoyed in my life.

the girl at the counter just bought four $20 gift cards from this coffee shop, and i’m reminded that i need to get some more christmas shopping done, and i worry about money.

two best friends across the way are gossiping about the hot t.a. in their english lecture, and i’m wondering if they should get started on the closed books they’re supposed to be annotating.

i keep looking up from my laptop to scan my surroundings in the most incognito way i can, and that’s when i notice that a human figure sitting on the couch across from mine. we’re separated only by the wagon-turned-coffee-table, and my inability to speak to human beings. i can see worn denim jeans in my peripheral, i can feel my stomach churn, and i’m wondering if the singing barista betrayed me by putting whole milk in my honey latte instead of oat.

i’m writing extremely fast right now. i’m trying to look as busy as humanly possible so this person doesn’t even think about talking to me. i hope they think that i’m like, trying to cure cancer on this laptop — i’m that f*cking busy.

at this point, the girl behind me has left, the two besties are silently typing on their respective laptops, the lady who bought the gift card slammed the door too hard when she left, and the coffee shop is silent — the barista is trying to find a new playlist to shuffle. (he is stressed.)

i take this time to look up from my laptop one more time. across from me is an older man (i would say like, 60s), sipping on an iced latte and reading a book. he’s so enamored with this book that he doesn’t even notice that i’ve been staring for way too long.

then, just like that, he answers a phone call, collects his stuff, and leaves. he sat across from me for all of 12 minutes, and he did not say a single word to me.

i didn’t want to talk to him. he didn’t want to talk to me. as humans, we had that unspoken understanding, no headphones needed.

in this moment, i’m coming to a very hard-to-swallow conclusion: i flatter myself too much. why would i even think that anyone would come up and randomly talk to me, headphones or not? do i really think i’m that special? no! this person that sat across from me, the one that gave me actual gas pains, has no desire to talk to anyone… and here i am thinking that he’s going to chat my ear off.

i let my anxieties get in the way of so much. time after time, i let them rob me of little moments in life. i slap my headphones over my ears like protective gear that will shield me from what? people? interaction? it seems so dystopian the more that i think about it.

if my airpods were charged, if my headphones weren’t lost (come to think of it, i think they’re in the washing machine), if i shoved earplugs in my ears and blocked myself out from the world, from the people in this coffee shop, i wouldn’t have realized just how much these random people are reminding me of the many moments in my life that i love.

the person behind me reminded me that i’m looking forward to watching harry potter with my brothers when i go home for the holidays. the two girls studying for their finals reminded me of myself and mckenna, working on our laptops in the patio of our favorite cafe. the woman buying gift cards reminded me that all of the money spent will be worth it to see my friends, family, and boyfriend smile on christmas.

most of all, the man across from me reminded me to stop thinking so highly of myself. i’m realizing that i don’t need to speak to people to connect with them. sometimes, the unspoken lessons from strangers are the most important of them all.

damn. i should wear my headphones less often, huh.