i always wanted to grow up a little bit too fast.

in fourth grade, i wanted to shave my legs because that’s what all of the cool and popular girls did. i was never a hairy child–the hair on my legs barely resembled the fuzz on a fresh peach. but, regardless, i wanted to be a big girl and shave my legs.

i wanted to wear bras too–padded ones that would make me look like a sad excuse for a pre-pubescent kardashian, or like the cool older girls at the mall, like paulina bigley. i didn’t even know what boobs were, nor did i even have a trace of any boob forming. but, regardless, i wanted to be a big girl and wear a bra.

in high school, i wore blazers and pencil skirts and pearl necklaces so i could look like some sort of insurance clerk. i thought that the more mature look made me look a little bit older and it would, in turn, make high school go a little bit quicker. i could start being professional now, so the transition into the working world would just be an instant turn around. i had no clue what i wanted to be when i grew up, no clue what the adult world would actually be like. but, regardless, i wanted to be a big girl and wear a f*cking blazer as a fourteen year old.

then, in college, i began working myself into the ground. i picked up every job and commitment i could find and filled every extra space in my schedule with another job. at twenty, i was completely driven by paychecks and linkedin profiles, and had little time to watch t.v. shows and read books and sleep. but, regardless, i wanted to be a big girl and start saving for retirement early.

now, as i sit alone in the same office i have been working tirelessly in since i was eighteen, at age twenty one, i don’t want to be a big girl anymore.

my coworker came down to talk to me, as this is my first week of senior year (woop) and my first week back in the office since march of my sophomore year. she’s a little bit older than me, but she’s one of those people in the office who can just brighten your day by seeing her. i mean, this girl can dress.

i don’t know what gave it away–maybe it was my messy hair, undereye bags, the open linkedin job search tab on my laptop, or the fact that phoebe bridgers had been playing from the speaker for the past half hour–but she could tell that i was stressed. and she asked why.

i told her that i was scared about the post grad journey: about if i was going to get a job (let alone one that would pay for my student loans), about where i’m going after graduation, about what i’m actually doing with my life.

at this point, life feels like it’s so still, but spiraling out of control all at once.

since she works at the career office with me, i was thinking she would offer me some sort of career advice–maybe offer to look at my resume or give me an application tip. but instead, she said this:

“just enjoy where you’re at right now.”

i’ve always thought of myself as a very “now” person. i’m spontaneous, adventurous, and rarely think before acting or speaking. i hate thinking about what i’m going to eat for dinner, because what if i prep something only to not crave it later? i hate play-by-plays and reservations and thrive in situations that are unplanned. i go with the flow in all situations.

but looking back, i’ve never been a “now” person.

in my life, i’ve put so much pressure onto myself to secure a future. whether that was applying to 23 colleges, breaking my back over commitments and job opportunities, or even applying for post grad jobs when i’m barely through my first week of college. how can i call myself a “now” person, when i’m constantly thinking ten steps and a leap ahead?

sure, i can order something new on a menu and spontaneously agree to go to a new bar. i can drink like an irishman at the drop of a hat and say yes to cliff diving and plans with people i just met. but at the end of the day, i’m always thinking ahead. and while i try to live my most wild and free life, i find myself constantly worrying about how i’ll pay off my student debt, what i’ll name my children, and how to make myself look older so the bartender will stop thinking my id is fake.

it’s so hard to live in the now when your life has never been about the now.

“just enjoy where you’re at now.”

it sounds so simple. but for someone like me, it feels impossible.

now that my coworker has left, and i’m alone again with phoebe bridgers on the speaker and a homemade slice of cake from my boss, i decided to write about right now. not about what i want to be, or who i used to be, but who i am right now.

it’s cloudy in southern california and i creased my airmaxes. i’m craving waffle fries dipped in honey mustard, i like my outfit, my stomach won’t stop growling, and i like the song playing right now. the clock says it’s 4:44 and i read somewhere that seeing 444 is a sign from the universe that you’re gonna be okay.

and for the first time today, and for just a little bit, i feel like i can breathe.