i told you that i was no good at new years resolutions.

while my efforts to blog once a week have failed (miserably), my vow to stay productive and creative this year has been going strong! thirteen-year-old julianna would be so happy to know that twenty-one-year-old julianna is a published writer, journalist, and columnist (!). i strive to make young me proud.

today, i woke up feeling–for lack of a better term–blue. something i’ll tell you about having depression and anxiety is this: sometimes getting out of bed is the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. sometimes, you’re just really frickin’ sad, and you have no clue why. you just exist in a constant state of blue.

but, instead of letting it win, i got out of bed, threw on some clothes, put on my eyebrows, and took myself out on a date.

i felt compelled to write today for no particular reason. right now, i’m sitting alone in a cute, french-themed cafe in the orange circle eating a delicious crepe and sipping on an iced matcha-lavender latte. the barista is playing a really good playlist that’s full of underrated amy winehouse tunes, and they added extra lavender into my latte today.

most of the time, i’m compelled by emotion to write. whether i’m really f*cking mad, or sad, or elated, i’m always the most inspired when i’m feeling something, good or bad. but right now, it’s not exactly like that. i feel down, but not sad. if i were a sky, it would be the kind when the clouds are a light-blue/grey (i literally could’ve just said overcast). if i were a song, i would be all of mazzy star’s discography. and if i were a beverage, i would be a cup of english breakfast tea that’s kind of lukewarm.

does this make sense to anyone else but me?

on days where i feel like…this, i like to spend time alone. not in the wallowy, self-pitying way, but more in the way where i like to go shopping at my favorite thrift store and order a drink from my favorite cafe. maybe get some dumplings delivered to my house later.

i don’t feel a need to talk to anyone when i’m out either. i just put in my headphones (except for right now, the barista is playing drive by cars and that shit’s my jam) and spend some time with me, doing things that make me happy. i think it’s important to know what makes you feel better and learn how to provide that happiness for yourself.

and right now that happiness is a nutella crepe, an iced matcha-lavender latte, this barista’s taste in music, and writing a little blog post.

i’m not sure what i’m trying to say here (am i ever?), but all i know is: i think spending time alone is entirely underrated. and it’s needed. it’s nice to know that you can take care of yourself and make yourself feel happy…

and a little less like a lukewarm cup of tea.