hey, look at me go! i’m gettin’ pretty good at this whole blogging thing.

since my last two posts have been anger-fueled, word-vomit rants, i wanted to get back on track with keeping things light.

in terms of where i’ve been for the past few months, i’ll provide a quick update. i moved into my first college house with five other wonderful women, a yellow lab named mesa (“table” in spanish), a sassy cat named lola (like the kinks song), and my wonderful fish named mac (named after my favorite things: mac miller, mac demarco, fleetwood mac, and mac n cheese). together, we’ve made an extremely memorable semester consisting of delicious food, dance parties, projector movie nights, themed dinners, classy drinks, becoming foster parents to two baby kittens, and simply making the best out of this crazy year.

it’s crazy to think of how much me and my roommates have gotten through this year: navigating a pandemic, evacuating from our home due to the fires earlier this year, planning covid-safe weekend trips to joshua tree and san francisco and pasadena, finding a pumpkin patch that wasn’t in a big lots parking lot…

i feel like we’re kind of being thrown into the adult world early.

i got to see my family a lot, and i am so blessed for that. whether it was meeting up in vegas to see my brother, taking a weekend trip to san diego, or spending a week in the o.c, i was so thankful to have so many great memories with my great family. i can only hope that so many others will be able to see their families very, very soon.

before i knew it, the semester was over and it was time for me to come home to the snowy east coast. and i’m not gonna lie when i say this was the most exciting thing for me all year. my freshman year of college, i dreaded going home and fronted that i hated every second of it. i just couldn’t wait to fly back to LAX and blue skies and white sand beaches. but now, i can’t wait until i can see the fort pitt tunnel and grey, winter skies and white snow. i never want to leave it.

maybe i’m having a quarter-life crisis. maybe one of the side effects of covid is homesickness. or, maybe, i’m growing up and realizing that i will always be an east coast girl.

i mean, what is there not to love about the east coast? the way the sky looks different every day, the way the people are so upfront and honest, the way that the skylines are a mixture of history and innovation, the bagels…i could go on forever. as much as i’ve grown to love california, i don’t think anything can compare to the fast-talking, fast-walking grit of the east coast.

and seasons. man, have i missed seasons. i always say how living in a place with perfect weather everyday makes you go crazy: waking up in the morning to the same, repetitive sky that’s perfect every day. it kind of makes me feel like i’m in the truman show or something. it messes with you. i like the unpredictability of weather and dressing in layers, i like being cold and sitting in front of my parent’s fireplace, i like lazily driving around town with my best friends, i like eating at the same 4 restaurants with my boyfriend.

i like it all. and god, how i’ve missed it.

you see, when i moved to california, i had this chip (it was more of a boulder, actually) on my shoulder. i felt a constant need to prove myself to other people, that i was going to get out of our small town and never look back. i had that whole “i’m the main character” complex before it was cool or viral on tiktok.

so, i moved all the way across the country and for a while, i didn’t look back. i pushed away my best friends (who have always been my lifeline) and family and resented my home back east: the connections i made and the life i lived. and after a while, i started to miss it all.

i kept putting up a front like i didn’t, but deep down i knew that california wasn’t exactly home. and with a massive boulder on my shoulder, i was scared to admit defeat. i thought that wanting to move back east would make me a failure, that i wouldn’t be proving anyone wrong and that i wouldn’t be making a name for myself. i wanted to be something so bad, that i forgot i was someone.

i guess that chip on my shoulder is shrinking, because i really want to move back.

i go back to california on sunday after i postponed my flight (i was supposed to go home janurary 3rd) and i’m still excited. i really like my friends and my house and the beach, and 70 degree weather doesn’t sound too bad after freezing my ass off for the past two months because, after living in california for 3 years, all i own are crop tops.

i guess at the end of the day, this is a part of growing. me missing the east coast doesn’t make me weak or a failure or incapable of “lasting” in l.a, it simply makes me a human being.

maybe i’ll stay in california after graduation. maybe i’ll move back east: philly, new york, boston…maybe even pittsburgh. even though the deadline for solidifying my life seems far too close, i feel like i still have time to figure it all out. and that’s okay, because i will.

–julianna