hello friends,

i sincerely apologize for the extremely emo post a few weeks ago. i needed a way to air out my thoughts and feelings, and that’s what i made this blog for. documenting emotion. transparency, remember?

anyway, i was so genuinely happy that my post impacted so many of you. every text message, facebook comment, and instagram dm made me feel so purposeful. i couldn’t believe the overwhelming amount of love and support i recieved for my little writings. i write this blog to help people, even if it’s just one person. so thank you, for giving me a sense of purpose with each depressing blog post, word vomit, and mediocre poem. it means the world to me. and yes, i’m planning on wearing some kneesocks this semester with my new, updated wardrobe (that absolutely murdered my bank account but hey, at least i’ll look cute???).

so about a week ago, i moved back to california to continue my second semester at chapman university. and, as you could’ve guessed, i was absolutely terrified. i was so scared to go back to an apartment with roommates i barely knew, way less friends than i originally had, and a more fragile state of mind than ever. i was, in essence, an emotionally frail little human living in a lumineers song or some sort of indie movie like “lady bird.” only way, way less cool. on top of all that, i signed up to rush a sorority which, if you know me, is so far out of my extremely large comfort zone. like, i am the last person you’d think of when you’d think “sorority girl.”

long story short, i was f**king terrified.

however, that initial fear slowly melted away within my first few days back in california. my roommates were so welcoming and kind. and they even shared their food with me, can you believe it?! my one roommate bakes delicious mini-cupcakes and tolerates me watching crappy reality tv, while my other is a total adventure junkie and music lover like me. i cannot express how good it feels to be in a great living situation. it’s like a giant weight has been lifted off of me.

since i’ve been living with my roommates, i’ve started to take care of myself a bit more. that includes actually doing my hair, makeup, and wearing something other than paint-stained sweats to class every day. i’ve really enjoyed putting together outfits that showcase a more refined take on my style and outfits that make me feel really, really good about myself. keep an eye out for a lookbook or styling video in the near future! i can’t wait to continue putting together outfits that reflect who i am in this new stage of life.

and so, with the new roommates and new clothes, i began the journey of sorority recruitment. and all i can say about that is that i completely get why girls get emotional over it.

let me explain.

my first day, i walked in with my little bell-bottom jeans, panhellenic-issued tee, and a huge nervous smile on my face. i was so scared to talk to these girls and put myself out there for literal judgment. i mean, no amount of “just be yourself” reassurances could’ve helped me the moment i stood in front of my first sorority tour, surrounded by so many other nervous girls in the same shirt and bell-bottoms, feeling the booming vibrations of a sorority chant.

i had to talk to girls for eight hours a day, desperately trying to keep a conversation and show no signs of nervousness or fatigue. it was so hard trying to “be myself” when i knew that each house was looking for a certain type of girl. and i was so scared no houses were looking for a girl like me.

i remember crying to my mom and boyfriend on the phone, saying that rushing was a huge mistake and i wasn’t going to get chosen for any sorority. now, it may seem silly to be crying over a stupid sorority (i thought that too), but it’s not just that. it’s the fear of rejection, of judgment, of not being good enough. the day before bid day, i let all of those self-doubts i’ve been trying to terminate creep back into my psyche. and i was 100% sure i would walk out of recruitment with no bid, no cute sorority shirt, and absolutely no confidence.

however, that mindset changed when i received a bid from one of my top choices.

i remember sitting at the bid day ceremony, sweating profusely, with my hands shaking as i resisted opening the envelope that contained my fate: did i get into pi beta phi or not? as soon as the coordinator said “open,” i ripped open that envelope like an absolute caveman. and sure enough, the words “pi beta phi would like to extend a bid to julianna mitchell” glowed out of the paper like some sort of prophecy.

they wanted me. and i cannot tell you how good it felt to be wanted.

i knew from the minute i walked into pi phi that it was somewhere i wanted to be. the girls were so diverse in looks, majors, and walks of life. i instantly clicked with this really, really cool and pretty girl with a sleeve of dope tattoos. she didn’t look like the poster-child for a sorority, but there she was, assuring me sororities aren’t those cookie cutter-spray tan-blonde hair-cults i’ve been led to believe.

i never would’ve pictured myself as a sorority girl but, here i am! it’s actually not as scary and cliquey as i was led to believe, especially my sorority. the girls are so nice and genuinely want to help the charities they’re involved in, and the sisters in the chapter. and i know i sound brainwashed, but you truly never understand until you live it. there’s already so many fun events from shopping trips, to beach days, bonfires, lunch dates…the whole works. i’m so excited to see where this whole sorority thing goes, i’ll keep you updated.

i guess that leads to now, where i’m lying in bed and absolutely dying from a nasty cold as i’m writing this. and despite hoards of white blood cells in my body fighting off the second-semester plague, i’m feeling better than i have in a pretty long time. i mean sure, it’s only been about a week since i posted my extremely emo blog entry, but i’m already starting to feel like julianna again.

and it feels so damn good.

also, another less depressing poem for you. hope you enjoy ❤

xx,
julianna