i think today was the first time, in a pretty long time, that i was truly, genuinely happy.

let me rephrase that. it’s not like i’m never happy: i feel happy when mcdonalds remembers that my cheeseburger is plain, or whenever i watch “steven universe,” or when i’m with my friends or family or boyfriend (jake, for further reference).

the thing is, i haven’t been that much of a “happy person” lately. to think of it, i never really have been. i’m great at presenting myself as a happy-go-lucky girl, but in reality, i rarely ever feel true “happiness.”

i don’t know when it started, and i’m not sure when it’ll end. but what i do know is that i think i’m on my way to becoming happy again.

if you don’t know me personally (or know me and haven’t cared for the past year), i go to film school in orange, california to study screenwriting. here, i learn all the ins and outs of the film industry. not only that, but i get to make my own films with a bunch of really talented students. we get to assemble a whole crew, run crowd-funding campaigns, audition actors, write, direct, edit…the whole nine yards.

this semester, it was my turn to make a film. and i was horrified. i mean, the principle of asking people for money and pouring thousands of dollars into a script i wrote was absolutely terrifying. especially since my film is a little on the zany side: a slasher/horror/comedy(?) set in the 1980s where four teenagers get hunted by a person in a ronald reagan mask and tightie-whities.

not exactly what pops into mind when you hear “student film.”

yet, when i got on set, i became the happiest i have been since…god, i don’t even know when. under immense stress (with a man in nothing but a reagan mask, a cowboy hat, and tightie-whities on), i thrived. it was almost as if i was feeding off of the pressure to get my shot off on time, or my actors they way i wanted them. i felt in control, not only of the film but of my own emotions.

i stood behind the monitor and watched my words come to life, surrounded by some of the most mind-blowingly talented people i have ever met, truly. my producer and a.d. screamed at me constantly, but i loved it. i guess, in a way, i loved having a purpose. i loved creating no matter the conditions.

i’m not sure what this post is really about, mainly its just here to get my thoughts out. but what i want to say now is that i’m happy. and proud. and hopeful.

i really, really hope to feel like this more often.

xx,
julianna